WHAT YOU WONT DO TO GET A JOB
I guess I had really fallen on hard times. I had moved south to find year round warmth, a new job and a new start in life. At 26 I was not too cautious. Jobs would surely come. After all the new south was the land of opportunity. The reality was that most prospective employers wanted to pay you in sunshine rather than dollars. The bank account was dwindling and I really began to feel that sense of urgency. As I fumbled through my desk searching for my old address book, I thought that there would certainly be an old friend or contact in the north who would hire me. I was now not too proud to go back . Snow and cold with cash in one's pocket was better than sunshine broke.
My first call was to an old friend, Maureen who had a pretty good sized sales organization. She was a good bit older than me and Maureen made it clear that indeed if I came to her shop, she indeed would be the boss. Maureen always had had a strong opinion about her managerial abilities. There would no option for failure while working for her. She had a staff of twenty and a lengthy list of established customers. There was one sales position for a sharp, young, aggressive sales type. Maureen was gracious during our phone conversation. I knew that I would have to perform . She made that quite clear. She went a step further, however. There would be a plane ticket waiting for me at Hartsfield in Atlanta.
I was ready for the interview, dark suit, muted tie, starched white shirt. I had gotten a fresh haircut the day before. Other than cold hands and a little shake in my knees I was prepared for my interview with Maureen. It went pretty much as I had expected. Maureen was strictly business. There would be no doubt that she was in charge. Two sales associates were part of the interview. They had worked for Maureen for over a year a showed a respectful deference to her throughout the meeting. I began to have that warm feeling that the job would be mine. She excused her two associates from the interview and I just knew that we were about to talk salary and a start date. "Jake", she began, "You are a sharp young man. I really believe that you can bring some talent to this agency." I knew that the offer was about to come. "Unfortunately" she continued, "We have very strict personnel policies in this organization. I cannot extend a job offer until you have undergone a complete physical exam. If you will see my secretary on your way out, she will schedule the exam and give you the preparation instructions." My heart sank. I really wanted that job issue settled today. I was in good physical shape. I spent an hour a day on the treadmill. I had nothing to hide but I just hated having to go through a physical. The secretary was very curt. "Your physical is scheduled for 0800 in this office. Follow the instructions on this sheet." I sat in the car and read the instructions.
You will undergo a very complete physical exam, it read. In preparation, please complete the attached health questionnaire. Have a clear liquid diet for your evening meal. You will need to have a Fleet enema at bedtime and another Fleet enema in the morning at least two hours prior to your scheduled exam. Have nothing by mouth after 8 P.M. this evening until after the completion of your examination. You should schedule approximately four hours in the morning for your physical. I reread it again. Oh shit, I thought, these people are serious. I had had pre-employment physicals before. I thought they were relatively cursory. It was always a drop your shorts, turn your head and cough. I thought to myself as I walked into the drug store that this was going to be major. That night I did the first enema. It slipped in easily. I really didn't think that it worked. I could only recall one other time getting an enema. It was ten years earlier. I think I had just turned 18. I had just started college. I had been home sick for two days. Mother had insisted that I stay in bed. I guess I didn't recover quickly enough for her because after the two days she took me to the doctor. It involved a shot in my left cheek which I hated and then it was back home to bed. That evening dad came in and sat down on the edge of the bed. He talked about my being sick and the trip to the doctor. As it turns out, the doctor had recommended an enema. There was to be no discussion about this. Dad had me stand beside the bed. He undid the tie on my pajama bottoms and slipped them down. It was the only time I could ever remember that dad looked at my naked body. I was so conscious of my black bush growing there and so afraid that I would get a hard on or worse yet come. He probed my stomach with his hands and asked if I felt any pain. His hands slipped down and he felt my nuts.He asked if I had an pain there. I remember him telling me, "You are a very well developed young man." With his arm around my shoulder we walked into the bathroom. There stood my mother with a red enema bag with a large black nozzle. A towel had been placed across the side of the tub and dad had me straddle it laying face down. I felt the greased nozzle slip in and the flow of water distending my belly. I did complain but dad said that I would take it all. It finally ended and after many minutes on the toilet I was allowed to go back to bed. I searched desparately for those pajama bottoms but obviously they had been put away. Dad came again to the bed. I had the covers pulled up tight under my chin. I had done well he said. I wouldn't be needing those pajama bottoms because in the morning after he had gone to work, mother would be in to give me another enema. If I had a problem with mother giving me the enema, he could ask my older brother to do it. I sure didn't want that. I wasn't to have my way. Early in the morning mother came into the bedroom with the enema and brought my older brother to help. She felt I might have trouble taking it or getting from the bed to the bathroom without my brother's help. I had two more that day but in the end mother let me get dressed and be up an around. I guess that during the day at work, dad had had a chance to think about all of this.
Could this sons's illness be related to the first semester in college, poor diet, lack of sleep, sexual experimentation on campus? When dad came home from work, it was straight to my room to discuss these issues. After all his older son had never had any such health problems. He had me undress in front of him so he could take a "real good look" at me. He did just that. He went over me completely but really between my legs. There he believed was the source of my problems. All I needed was a really "good" enema and dad was going to see to that. He rolled me over in that bed and gave me an enema that I still remember.
Six in the morning came too quickly. I had my second fleet enema and tried to relax until time to leave for the physical. The same curt secretary was there. "Have a seat and I will tell the nurse that you are here." It was an interminable twenty anxious minutes. She was an older lady, somewhat over weight and not exceptionally pleasant. "The exam suite is the last door on the right. You will need to strip completely down to your socks. Have a seat on the exam table and we will be in shortly." I wondered about the "we" but I guessed she would have the doctor with her. Those rooms are always so cold and yet sweat pours from my underarms. I nervously checked my testicles as I waited for the exam to begin. "Good morning. Jake", Maureen said as she entered the room followed by the nurse. I felt my nuts pull up tight and my dick shrivel. "We are here to take you through our company physical this morning. Did you have your enema last night and this morning?" I nodded yes not knowing what else to say. "If you will hop down and follow Nurse Johnson to the scale we want to get a nude weight and height. Also we will need a rectal temp. I need to spend a few minutes reading your health questionnaire." Nurse Johnson bent me forward over the exam table and it was the longest five minutes of my life with that glass rod up my ass. Maureen's eyes never left the questionnaire. "Nurse Johnson, please draw are usual blood work and I will need a catheterized urine as well." Maureen did put down the questionnaire for the catheterization. She stood beside the exam table and had me lay on my back with my hands behind my head. "Jake, is this the first time you have ever had a catheter?" I nodded weakily. "Well, we need a sterile specimen. I think you will find it a little uncomfortable but we will be finished shortly." Nurse Johnson cleaned the head of my penis with a solution and I could feel that tube entering my penis. I would have risen off the table except that Maureen had her hand squarely on my chest. "Just breath deeply", she said. Pulling it out was as painful as putting it in. I had never had an experience like that. Maureen left her hand on my chest, almost holding me down on the exam table. "You are a very well developed young man" she started. It is obvious that you keep yourself in shape. Your penis and testicles are normal for your age." One hand had slipped down to examine my scrotum.. "Nurse Johnson, you can bring in the prep tray." She turned to me as Nurse Johnson wheeled a stainless steel cart into the room. "Before we get to the actual physical exam, we need to spend a good bit of time in preparation. Our doctor is scheduled to see you at 11:30 so we have a lot of time. For your 26 years, you have a pretty dense pubic hair growth. So that the doctor can properly do a genital exam, we need to clean that area." Nurse Johnson uncovered the cart and there laid out in an orderly fashion were safety razors, lather, paper towels and steaming hot water. Maureen began the shaving without any hesitation. Within two strokes, the heaviest part of my bush was gone. The scrotum took a lot longer. "You are such a hairy young man", she complained. We still need to do your buttocks and rectal area." Nurse Johnson busied herself replacing the hot water. "You see, Jake, with this area cleaned we can get a much better look at this male organ." Maureen finally stepped back from the table to admire her work or me in my pristine state, I dont know which. "Nurse Johnson will bathe you now and check to be sure we haven't left any stray hairs. We want the area clean for doctor."
They both left me alone and I laid there on the exam table rubbing my naked nuts. What a strange feeling. I expected to see the doctor arrive but I was not so fortunate. Maureen entered alone. "Jake, you did have your fleet enema last night and this morning? Did they seem to work?" I saw it coming but I told the truth. I didn't think that they were that effective. "Well" , Maureen said, " the last thing we need to do before doctor gets here is to clean you out. Unfortunately, our soap suds enemas tend to be painful but they do clean the colon." Nurse Johnson opened the door and rolled in a stand with an attached pole. It looked to me like a four quart enema. Maureen sensed my distress and made it clear that she was in charge. Much like my dad had done years before she put a firm hand on my chest. "We have to get this done and you need to cooperate. I am going to stand right here with you but we're going to get all this fluid in. Now turn on your side and lift this knee toward your chin." I felt that vaseline covered nozzle ease up my ass. It seemed larger that I remember. I felt that warmth of the soapy water. The cramps began and I begged Maureen to stop. She kept her hands on me with a steady stroking motion. "No, you be a big man now and hold your enema. Take some deep breaths." Her hand slipped to my abdomen and she probed all sides. "Nurse, clamp it for a minute......Nurse open the flow". I began to sweat but the cramps semed to subside. When the nozzle was finally withdrawn, Maureen said, "Jake, just lay there as long as you can. Let it do its job." I had a strange feeling both, the pain and some enjoyment. My dick was hard as a rock which was something not missed by Maureen. She commented, "That is a very normal reaction. Shows me that you are a normal male." Nurse Johnson helped me to the toilet. I needed it. I really felt weak in the knees. I had long since recovered from feeling embarrassed in front of Maureen. I told her that I had had enough and was sure that I was ready for the doctor. "Nurse Johnson and I don't think so." she responded. They followed with three more enemas. The last one was simply cool water and I knew the end was in sight. I felt exhausted but elated.
Maureen covered me with a clean white sheet. "Jake, you just rest. Doctor will be here soon. I actually dozed off for a few minutes and awoke as the exam room door opened. I didn't raise up from the bed as the doctor approached the exam table. I guess I had expected a man but the doctor was a young woman dressed in green scrubs with a stethescope around her neck. She was followed by Maureen. "I am Dr. Richardson and I am here to do your physical. I understand that Maureen and Nurse Johnson have you fully prepared." I simply nodded as she looked over my health questionnaire and a chart that Maureen had handed her. She asked me to sit up and let my feet hang off the side of the exam table. I kept the sheet firmly across my lap. She warmed her stethescope in her hand and listened intently to my heart. She moved around to listen to my back and had me take several deep breathes. With her somewhat cold hands she probed my neck. A small flashlight in one had she looked into my eyes. "Maureen turn off the lights in the room." She looked again into my eyes with her flashlight. With the room lights on again she probed my back with her hands. "Lay back please." She hiked the sheet back so that I was fully exposed. Her hands probed across by abdomen. "Did you have any touble taking the enemas," she asked. I explained that I found them painful but had no special problems. "When is the last time you had any enemas/" "About ten years ago," I answered. "Mother got you, right?" "Well, yes mother and dad." "Pretty embarrassing for a teenage boy." I agreed but said that this experience was pretty embarrassing too. "Well, Maureen is tough when it comes to these physicals". "I need you to stand in front of me. Spread your legs so that I can examine you scrotum." "Any pain in your testicles? Ever noticed any swelling down here?" "no and no". One finger slipped up next to my dick. "Turn your head and cough". She repeated the procedure on the other side. "Married or single?" "Single". "Any problem ejaculating?" "Ever had any sexually transmitted diseases?" "No" "Yes, Maureen. I dont find any scars on the penis. Generally you have a very healthy male. Normally developed genitalia. Blood work and urine will of course tell us a lot". Maureen did not speak but nodded.
"Sir, we need to do a rectal. If you will bend over the exam table and spread your cheeks." " Maureen, I find nothing abnormal here. I can palpate the prostate and it is normal for his age. I wouldn't expect any thing else. Did you want a sigmoid on this young man?" "Yes", Maureen answered definitively. "Very well, sir. We are going to scope the lower portion of your colon. The enemas should have thoroughly cleaned that area. I will need you up on the exam table in the knee to chest position. I am going to introduce this hose into your rectum so that I can visualize the colon up to the sigmoid. Take a deep breath." I cannot say that it was painful but I was painfully embarrassed as Maureen watched. Like the catheter, the tube coming out was worse than going in. The doctor gave a cursory look at my legs without any comment. "Maureen, I am satisfied with this physical. I think you have a normal male here. Appears disease free and in good physical shape. You might want to redo his physical in one year. Thank you, sir. The nurse will help you dress. You might have a little problem getting regular again but Nurse Johnson can repeat an enema in a couple of days if you need the help. Good day"
Maureen thanked the doctor and as she turned to leave, took one last look at me. "I will see you in my office after you are dressed."
She was at her desk when I entered. "Jake, my secretary is working on your employment contract. Barring any unforeseen results from your labs you have a job. I thanked her and turned to leave. "Jake, I will need to redo parts of that physical on a pretty regular basis. Let me have a look at you again to 3 months after that bush grows in." I closed the door and walked onto the street. That doesn't sound like a bad plan to me either.
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